Could you give an honest opinion on this story?
This is a little bit James Patterson-influenced, but that is the point. It's an extract from a novel I've written and would love some feedback on it. I feel that a few parts could definitely be improved and that is what I'm really looking for here. Any opinion is greatly appreciated and I would really welcome any constructive criticism. I had been confined to my office for the past two hours, and occasionally from between the highly stacked paperwork that covered my desk came a shred of welcome sunlight. A knock at the door came, just as I had completed my case work ready for an afternoon presentation.“Come in”, I clearly affirmed, kicking a few empty plastic bottles out of the way.The door swept open and Stephanie Wallace stood in the hallway, holding a file that looked like it belonged to me.Sweeping back her long brunette hair, there was an air of excitement in her facial expression that detectives in the FBI get when they’ve made a breakthrough in a case.“We’ve found the leader of the terrorist group who are supposedly threatening to derail Palin’s inauguration”, exclaimed Stephanie animatedly. “His name is Derek Lindenbergh. We’ve got a report on him – some background information on him from a few distant acquaintances. They distantly knew him, but we have a very rounded picture of him. His organization is made up of a group of frighteningly liberal mindsets. Now I know the FBI has dealt with many threats like this before – remember what happened four years ago? Still though, we’ve got a totally different threat on our hands this time. Here’s the file.” We went through the information that the department had compiled, and decided to reveal it to everyone this afternoon. After discussing it, out conversation drifted to more casual matters.“Not letting the work take over your life again, are you?” I asked. “Any plans for the weekend?”She gave a warm smile, and shook her head. “I’ve got a better grasp on my life now, Dexter! No, I recently found someone and I think he’s the one! He’s taking me out tonight – not sure where yet, it’s meant to be a surprise! I really can’t put how much I’m looking forward to it into words.”I gave warm wishes to Stephanie, replying: “My daughter Sophie’s in a school play on Saturday evening. I promised her I’d get the time off to go and see it with my wife Jane.”After we said our goodbyes and Stephanie left my office, I decided to take a break and headed to Starbucks across the road. Washington, D.C was busy around one in the afternoon. Workers hustling to get in front of queues in shops, screamed exchanges from opposite sides of the street, tyres screeching to a halt in the midst of congested traffic jams. Grabbing a double espresso, I made my way back outside to navigate the reams of crowded people. It was then when I received a call on my cellphone. Stepping into an alleyway of which there was a reduced amount of commotion, I picked up.“Dexter Milyevski”, sneered a deep, cold voice down the line.I had never spoken to this person before. “Who is this?”“I know you, Dexter.”“I’ll ask you again! Who are you?” I replied, my tone of an increasingly confronting nature.“Yes, I know you. I know much more than you think. I know your wife, I know your children. Sophie, Catherine. Hell, I even know your exact address. What you don’t know is that one day, the trigger on my gun might just click – in the wrong place at the wrong time... and –“I cut the phone out, sharply. I scrambled for my car keys in my coat pocket and raced to my car. I wouldn’t make the afternoon meeting. I needed to make sure my family was safe. Nothing or no one was going to put my family in danger. Not today. Not ever.The manner in which detective Milyevski disconnected my telephone call, I thought, was in complete cowardice and ignorance. As I sipped a glass of red wine and flicked through the Washington Times, I uttered a constrained laugh that echoed in my mind. I knew for a fact that Milyevski would race home in fear of finding his dear family’s blood on his pearly walls. I found that in the two years in which I had known this man, he was one that was easily influenced. I knew that when I decided it was time, I could lull him into a false sense of security and inflict the revenge that I deserved. His false evidence convicted me of illegally importing goods into this country, resulting in eight years jail time with no parole. I am better than him. I will prove it.
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07-06-2009, 02:58 AM
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