FRED: Did I ever tell you about the time I came face to face with a very fierce gorilla?

BERT: No, what happened? FRED: Well, I stood there, without a gun . . . The gorilla looked at me and snarled and roared and beat his chest. Then it came closer and closer . . .

BERT: What did you do?

FRED: Oh, I'd had enough, so I moved on to the next cage.

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Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
His father asks: "Why?"
Johnny says: "The teacher asked me 'How much is 2x3?' and I said '6'"
Father: "But that's right!"
Johnny: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
Father reacts: "What's the fuck difference?"
Johnny: "That's exactly I said!"

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An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”
Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you’re 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?”
The woman replied, “They help me sleep better.”
The doctor considered this for a second, and continued… “How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?”
The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night.”

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Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming...
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

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A Funny man & his wife go to a coffee house. Funny man buys 2 cups of coffee.

Funny Man: Drink quickly... drink quickly... before it gets cold.

Wife: But why...

Funny Man: They charge Rs. 50 for hot coffee and Rs 100 for cold coffee.

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A teacher asked a student to write 55.
Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
teacher: What are you waiting for?
student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!

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As per research
A man speaks 25,000 words daily
&
A woman speaks 30,000
Problem starts when husband comes home
from office after consuming his 25,000 words
&
wife starts her 30,000..

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A Chick With Long Legs
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.

The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender."Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!""That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

"That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! ... Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."

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I saw you yesterday on the road.
Such beautiful eyes,
walking gracefully down the road,
and I started to sing;
Who let the dogs out!

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