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Does this sentence make sense?


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  #1  
Old 06-30-2008, 11:01 PM
importchina importchina is offline
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Default Does this sentence make sense?

In many instances, customers travel as far as Vancouver to attend entertainment outlets, specifically night clubs, because of the absence of them in our area.

I don't think it flows well. How can I correct it?
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Old 06-30-2008, 11:01 PM
Hyundai Hyundai is offline
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Default Does this sentence make sense?

In many instances, customers travel as far as Vancouver for entertainment, especially nightclubs, because of the lack of them in our area.
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Old 06-30-2008, 11:01 PM
Ideal Ideal is offline
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Default Does this sentence make sense?

Customers often have to travel to Vancouver to patronize entertainment outlets , more specifically nightclubs, as they are none in our area.
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Old 06-30-2008, 11:01 PM
news news is offline
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Default Does this sentence make sense?

I think it makes sense. Maybe the multiple clauses are making you feel as though it doesn't run smoothly. You could strip it down a little to simplify it. Not necessarily like I did, but something similar.

i.e.--Customers often travel as far as Vancouver to attend entertainment outlets, specifically night clubs, due to the absence of them in our area.

(I replaced 'In many instances' with 'often' to eliminate a clause and reworded 'because' using 'due to' for personal preference.)
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Old 06-30-2008, 11:01 PM
news news is offline
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Default Does this sentence make sense?

Due to the absence, specifically of night life venues in our area, some customers are prepared to travel as far as Vancouver outlets for their entertainment and leisure.
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